Of the Past and all things then...

Saw DCH yesterday, for about the gazillionth time...

Its very strange that everytime I see that movie I start contemplating about friends, college, back then when life was without any nuisances. I do not know why but I do it every single time. Everytime I see it , I decide that this time I am not going to think about anything but eventually I try to rationalise to myself that I miss all that and that I should be thinking about it.

Its amazing how you can rationalise things to yourself...convince yourself about something that you only thought of...but it is one the hardest things to do coz you will always know all the arguments and the counter-arguments...

Maybe its a way in which we try to accept things...but then again, maybe its just me !!!


Wonder...

Rate your life...

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.6
Mind:	7.1
Body:	3.7
Spirit:	7.5
Friends/Family:	6.2
Love:	6.9
Finance:	8.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Interesting...

Games : To or Not To...

It just occured to me that I have never (ever) put a post about the thing I LOVE to do most...Game !!! So here is some of my game-ology :

Game Genres I like :
First Person Shooters(FPS)
Arcade Games (esp. ones in top down view)
Strategy (AOE et all)

Game Genres I hate :
Superhero games (Spiderman, Batman, Crap-man....)
Simulations
All games ending in ...Tycoon (:P)


Games I started out with : (about 6 yrs ago)
Half-life
RollCage
Age of Empires

Games I am totally for :
Half-life (all versions : Blue Shift, Opposing Force, Uplink)
Max Payne (only 1....I think 2 sucked...)
Serious Sam (1 and 2..go go croteam)
Grand Theft Auto (.....err dont think...all of them)
Need For Speed 3 Hot Pursuit
Age of Empires (1 and Roman Expansion....don't like Kings and Conquerors that much.. :P)
Star Trek Armada
and the immortal - Quake (2 mostly).


Games I am gaming on now :
Half Life 2
(Amazing gameplay, gr8 graphics, but more system requirements as opposed to the hl1 :( )

Alien Shooter
(One light weight arcade style game from some developer called SIGMA team. Gr8 game...try it if u have not. You can find it at reflexive.com)

Crimsonland
(Another light weight arcade style game. Personally liked it better that Alien Shooter, same plot. And you can also find it at reflexive.com)

Games I will get :
GTA - San Andreas
Quake 4
F.E.A.R.


Game on...

Escapade

Here are some images from a place called Engelberg in Switzerland. A very popular ski-destiantion. Had been there with some friends over the weekend. A few shots here and there...a few from my cell-cam and a few from my friends digi-cam.



A camera-savvy mountaion.



Engelberg from up top.



The Hotel I was staying at.



Lead of a local band playing at a local bar...The bar is called 'Ucatan', for all those who want to know. Image is blurry coz it is difficult to stand still when a) U r dancing and b) When about a gazillion people are dancing around you.




Engelberg at 7:00 in the morning.



The view from one of them Hotel Rooms.


Rendering...

As promised...

As promised here are a few pics...(courtesy my friend's digi-cam)

Snow everywhere

View from my office window

Another view

Involve...

The White World...

Continuing the post on snow fallin here....it did snow here today....and snowed big time...about 3 inches of snow...And it looks cool....I do not want to rewrite all the stuff that I had done on the previous post.....but sufficed to say that the view is excellent...will try to post a few pics of the scene here if I am able to...Till then its just me and the whiteness...

Ecstatic...

Deja vu...

It Snowed today...in itself that fact is not that amazing....what's thrilling and ecstatic is that I saw snow (in person) for the first time after 15-odd years. Again that is not amazing in itself but the fact that I personally am pretty pleased with being an Eskimo than a Hawaiian makes up for it.

The thing is that I like the cold weather...and especially when it snows...makes u feel like a part is heaven is being passed on to us...everything is white...pure...unmixed and people want to be warm...

Although it sounds too utopian to think that these words actually mean anything coz a snow day is just another day...but makes me feel like there is beauty in this world and there are things that can cheer up a person no matter how down or out he/she is...just like a baby's touch...or a friendly smile...makes me feel wonderful...and so does the feeling you get when soft snow touches your skin...you shrivel but the feeling is so great that you want to feel it...again and again...

Wonder...

Stuck...

Its amazing how sometimes we wonder of what all wonderful things we could do with our time if only we had it. It is amazing sometimes how you wish that you had just that one more moment of time for yourself and then think of the things that you would do with that moment...

Strangely enough this never works...it never happens...you never "have" the time...It is always some important meeting or that one more minute of sleep...contrasting ways of letting time pass and then gruelling about the lack of it...

It is even more confusing when you have all the time in the world but nothing to do with it...Simply you are too deeply imbibed with the routine of the day that even getting some free time out of it creates a bit of a situation.What to do with this time now? Where to go? Who to call? What to do? And then simply it starts getting painstakingly crampy if you do not have anyone or anything to spend the time...Its simple yet very powerful on how routine can govern our lives.

The time you get up...the things you do then...the bus you take...the place you sit in the bus...the place you get down and walk to the destination...the people you see...the things you can feel around...the things to do...its all a routine...a constantly recurring phenomenon that just does not go away and it is so powerful that in the absence of the routine nothing seems to make sense...we wait and ponder on when the routine is going to be back...to throw us around...It comes back and so do the cravings for free time...

Ironic...

Creatures of Light

An endless trek...up the path of time...changing every passing moment...giving highs and lows...signifying "nothing".

Doers do their best to stay on track and those who do not stray away only to be ravaged and pillaged by the unknown terrain...sticking to the track makes sense in this way but it means that everything becomes monotonous and predictable...means the trek loses its sparks...means "nothing".

It does not always give you whyt you want but takes you tentalizingly close to it...so close that you feel "good"...but then you realise that what you were chasing all this time was a "mirage"...a mirage, of dreams, of hopes and endless contentment...but it goes away as the sick cycle ends...you are back on the trail and so is another mirage for you to chase...Putting a meaning to all this is difficult but it makes an ironic kind of sense for some to play this game of cat and mouse...something to keep you occupied...something to stop you from thinking about other routes...

Life is like that sometime...an endless figment...a desire, a craving of having something that is evading you...having something that you do not have and not wanting something that you do...The trail is yours but you do not want to follow it or more as well the trail does not want you to desert it...but you want a change...a new beginning...to an end that is just as sick as twisted as life itself.

Grudge...

Life has become a hell hole

The title sez it all, life has become a hell hole. I have cut off from everything that I held dear and near. I have not gamed in ages like I used to do every single minute. I no longer drive...sigh...and I no longer live the day. Work has caught up and it has made me a sick twisted workaholic...thing I hate most is that it takes me away from everything else...everything single damn thing.

If u do work u know what i am taking about and if u do not yet, then good for u. Makes sense to have all your time for you...and not for some sick fucking moron running a company who u do not know and who just pays u a shitty amount of greens to sit in front of a screen and type your life away...

For a moment it is good, for a moment it seems like 'yeah'...but slowly everything else moves into the background...every single damn thing...things that u thought were ur life and soul are now forgotten...

U forget how soothing it was to just lie down and wonder how to plan your next quake team deathmatch...or just drive around with no specific place to go....to just hum away all ur troubles or kick some serious alien ass when you are mad at something that happenned during the day...

Well life was so much cooler than...and now it is like a damn vegetable soup...day in and day out.

Dayz go by...

Long time...a very long time indeed. I have been busy all this time so I could not post any posts (!!!). But now that I have a breather, I can post a post (!!!!!!!!!! Wassup with me!!!)....

So, I have been travelling all this time. I went down to Switzerland...Zurich to be precise. Stayed there for about 16 days, place called Oerlikon. Damn neat place. Cool weather, hepp crowd, fast bikes, neat cars....name it and it was there....needless to say I was impressed, damn impressed.

And I was not holidaying....I was there on work related stuff. So, although I did not get to go around much, I did venture around a bit. Some neat shopping joints like IKEA, MediaMarkt, Carrefour....MediaMarkt is like a stinkingly large place with just one thing...electronics....It is very difficult to go there and not wind up broke on ur way out....

Besides these, just walked around and looked. Harleys, Titans, Sports, there were lots of them. But the most ecstatic moment was touching a Lambo....yep, Lamborghini Murcilego....damn is that a fine car or what !!! You have to see that car atleast once....Think its gonna be a long time before we see one here....Besides this masterpiece of a car, I saw a lot of Porsche, Boxter, Carrera GT, 911, Renault, Alfa Romeo, Toyota, Ford, Cherokee....whew.......

While I was there, Mangal Pandey was premeiring at Locarno, not very far from Zurich...But I was too busy to make it there and besides it was late at night....so well....next time.....

But I missed the best deal...There is a Monster truck Jam in Zurich, Messe Hallenstadion (to be precise !!!) in September. 23rd if I remember right...Man, I hope I am there for that. Would give anything for that....

Well, was a nice experience...considering it was a short one and I didn't have much spare time....will make it up on my next trip ;)

Me? Understand? Nope?

I sometimes don’t understand the way people behave. Especially people in high places. I don’t understand the thought process. It doesn’t make much sense to me. I see beings that only are brilliant but also really good at heart…and also some who I can't understand. They are good at what they do. But I feel a strange kind of vibe whenever I try to get close. They just push away at the slightest things. Makes me wonder if life’s just for that…if that’s all that they wanna do with theirs…

I can't understand how beings can be in constant touch and not share…thoughts…ideas… It doesn’t calculate…doesn’t explain itself…sometimes makes me sick. Sometimes makes me feel like running away from all this ugliness. But then, why should I run away from them. Someday they will realize what they are missing and that day, I will be there…waiting…waiting for the look that they give me when I am still there after all their efforts to make me go away…when I refuse to give up no matter what…when I just don’t quit…just simply don’t quit.

The World thru the looking glass

I sometimes wonder if this is the life that we strive so hard for…if this is all of it…if this is the one thing that people will do anything for. I don’t get it sometimes, how people can want something so much that they don’t care what they’re giving in return.

I don’t understand the end of the bargain that we hold up. We give, we lose, we get nothing…We sweat, we waste, we die, we get nothing…We love, we hate, we want, we get nothing. We desire, we aim, we crib, and we get nothing. Doesn’t seem all that fair to me…does it?

I guess that there should be something that this life gives us. Something in return…something that would make all this worthwhile…something at least. I don’t know how it evens up…how all the zeroes make the one? Maybe, just maybe…it is not the life…but the things that it brings up with it. The things that it brings into our routines…the people…the places…the moods…the moments…the rushes…the senses…all of what we want, more and more.

But why? What is the point? What moves on never comes back but still we lie in the same place wondering when that bandwagon will stop again and bring us the things that we miss so dearly…things that make us hold on…we wait…we wait…and wait…until something else comes along…and life succeeds once again in doing what it does best….show us “the” finger.

In the most blunt ways…at all times that it can…it shows us that it owns us…our being… that it doesn’t care…not at all…not even a bit. For what it wants is for us to live it…whether we want to…or not. Makes no damn sense to live it then…but we still do and do all that it wants us to do…want in all the ways…ask the exact same questions…take the exact same path…seems like a story sometimes…only that in this one…the reader and the listener are both the same…just that someone else writes it…and makes the most of it…makes the most of “us”.

Don’t know why, how, when, where, till what and since when…but do know that it is not going to change, the same drag…the same games that we play…the same lines…the same cliché…every time….Looking glass, isn’t it? We see thru, and we find “us” on the other side…looking back…expecting that someday…someday…it wont be the same reflection…the same image…sometime…it will change…it will move and give way…

Seems like its going to be a long one…a long one indeed.

Lately...

Its been quite some time since I did this but lets see if I still can....

Dont know why, after all these days, I felt like coming here and saying something...I guess I have not been idle for some time now. Being at work is interesting...One, you dont have time to think about the meaningless falacies of life n all..., Second, it makes some sense out of an otherwise worthless drag called life...and finally you get satisfaction...of finally being able to do something and being noticed for it...

I know it also means that you keep moving further and further away...from what people call "the social life"...but, honestly, "whatever !". I guess sometimes it is just better that it is this way instead of being the highway...


Sometimes I wish if I could just forget about everything else besides what I like...but I know it cant be...it wont be....even if I most dearly wished for it...

Conquistador

It has been said:

" The only people who can do it are those who think they can."

I believed that I could and I did. Means a lot to me. It was high time that I got to where I am. Makes me feel................Believe in me................in what I can do.......................in what all I can acheive...........................doesnt seem so hard afterall.

Started slow but I did push.................and I toiled................but this is just the beginning.................just a scratch on the surface..................much needs to be done.................and do I shall...........................wait just a little while.....................you'll know.

Bright side

Its been a lot of pessimism these past few posts. There is a brighter side of life that sometimes we do not look at. It is there, for all of us to see and feel...to experience. There are good things in life. Things that u care about not because u have to but because u want to and no matter what happens...no matter what u go thru, u still care.

And care u should. Something must be there that u want to have, so badly that u'd do anything for it and no matter what happens, u stick to it, in rain or pain......you do not forget. It came to me while I was wondering that to have someone so special gives u a direction, and life does not seem so meaningless and dragging after all. Seems like you are wanted, cared for, and liked.

Doesn't mean that u go and find that someone and if u do not have that u don't have nothing. Just that even if u feel that there is no one like that, If u look around hard enough, u will find some hearts warmed by your presence, those who care for u without any demands and want u to be........happy. Yes, there are such someones for each and everyone of us.

There is much more to life than just all the hate and guilt and the drag we go thru, there is much much more to feel, to share, to see, to believe, but we just have to know when to look and where to look. The feeling of wind touching ur face, raindrops dripping off ur forehead, a little angel holding ur finger so it doesnt fall, hearing the sweet tune that u missed for so long, driving out to that spot with that special someone and being there..........just being there.

And all these...........make it all worth it..........make u want to stay.................make life worth living.

There and back again...

And the world does go around. Comes back and hits you when you least expect it. I do not know whether it is me or if it is this world, but something is definitely not right. I feel it, everyday, dragging on with me like that evil twin that you wish u never had, but its meant to be there with u. Don't really know why or how or when but it does cause a lot of things to happen, ones u do want to and the ones u most certainly dont.

Sometimes, I feel like i am in a cage and all those prowling eyes around me are just waiting for that one wrong move.It is just a matter of time when we'll find out who'll blink first ?

To someone over the fence, it seems so perfect and so quiet. But only the inmate knows that life here aint a walk in the park. You will get hit, you will face loads of crap, but you cant quit.

But why in the name the one should you take it? why? why cant u just give it all up and do what you want to do? Be with the ones you want to be with? Why? Why not?

Why cant i just move on with me? Why do I have to put up with the fallacies of the world? With the facade that it exhibits? Why cant I just get up and lay the smacketh down on everything i despise?

I guess it is just the chains that we have tied ourselves in. The binds that we cant break. The binds of love, of relationships, of companionship, of respect, of...fear
of losing all that we hold dear.

Damn you creator, for putting me in this jinx, now all i can do is bear it...atleast till it can go on.

its a drag !!!

knowing where u been in life and then u see urself now........how do u think it figures that this is what u have been wanting to do, wanting to be here and all u ever thought was it is gonna be good. but i think it is just that we are all so busted up from what has led to this that we r not able to see that which truly lies in this for us.........an oppurtunity to prove to us ......... what we can be and all that we can acheive.........its all out there , we just need to be strong enough to be in our frames when the time comes for us, its not what we are but who we are that is gonna tell where we go........we can drown us in booze and never look up and then we can party out all night but be there when it happens.......to hold it all for all to see and to prevail...............I will be there.........will u ???

It all comes back...

The same feeling..........of Deja-vu........or is it really back......all that u spent ur life looking for.....it was here all the time and now that u r not here.....it lies smack in front of u....asking u if the one who was missing all this time was it.....or u?

It is all so familiar, but the similarities cease to exist as soon as u get close.......its a different time......a different glass u are looking through........yet it all seems so familiar.......the smells, the feel, the look, the people..........not all of it is so good though..........

confusin and anarchy prevails........and u ask this question.....was this the life that u wanted so bad or is it the price u pay for not looking at what u had with u in ur hands when it was there?......

Life goes on...

It seems so usual and so ordinary that we can be all that we are........seems like a dream.......a waking dream.

Out of nowhere, a thought comes and screams the hell out of your own conscience, asking you to think about what can no longer be so simple. Something that could never have been, for we never looked at the possibility of this happenning.

But now it is upon us, and we are here with nowhere to hide, nowhere to run, just here. Now.

So what to do...who to call...where is the messiah? Why now ?